Teaching Boundaries as a First-Gen African Mom

ByAmie Bakare

Boundaries, But Make It Generational: Teaching My Kids What I Had to Learn the Hard Way

If you’ve been here a while, you might remember my post on boundaries—how I grew up as the youngest in a big African household where respect was non-negotiable, silence was golden (especially if you were the child), and boundary-setting felt like an act of war.

That post was part confession, part cultural unpacking, and part therapy-lite. And if I’m being honest? I’m still in the trenches with it.

But lately, I’ve been thinking more about how I can interrupt the cycle and do it differently with my kids. Because the truth is, I’m not just trying to heal—I’m trying to raise whole children who don’t have to recover from their childhood the way I did.

Let’s talk about what that’s looked like in real life.

Why Boundaries Hit Different as a Mom

When I wrote that first post, I was still struggling to even say out loud:

“Hey, that actually doesn’t sit right with me.”

Now? I’m in a phase of gentle boundary bootcamp—for myself and my babies.

We’re a very loving household, but love without boundaries can feel suffocating. And what I’m realizing is: kids who learn boundaries young aren’t disrespectful… they’re emotionally aware. They’re not soft… they’re safe.

Psychologists and parenting experts agree. According to Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab, licensed therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, “Healthy relationships have boundaries. If there are no boundaries, you’re not in a relationship, you’re in an entanglement.” Whew. That part.

So here’s what I’m doing differently this time around.

✨ How I’m Teaching My Kids Boundaries (Without Making It Weird)

🧠 1. Using everyday moments as learning labs

If one kid says, “I don’t want to play right now,” I don’t guilt them into being nice. I say:

“That’s okay. Everyone’s allowed to take a break.”

And then I turn to the other one:

“She still loves you—she just needs space.”

These micro-moments are boundary gold. In fact, the Child Mind Institute recommends using real-life moments to build emotional intelligence and autonomy in kids as early as toddlerhood.

🗣️ 2. Encouraging them to say what they feel (even if it’s uncomfortable)

You get to decide what feels good and what doesn’t.
You can say no without explaining yourself.
You can say, “I’m not ready to talk yet,” and we’ll circle back.

Because guess what? I want them to practice now, not wait until adulthood when their voice is shaky from years of silence. As highlighted in Psychology Today, teaching children to speak up is directly linked to stronger self-esteem and boundary-setting in adulthood.

🪞3. Modeling it myself (this one is harddd)

My kids are watching me say:

  • “I can’t make that event—I’m tired.”

  • “I love you, but I need a calming moment.”

  • “Let’s revisit this later. I’m not in the right headspace.”

And yes, sometimes my voice still trembles. But I remind myself: they’re not looking for perfection. They’re watching for permission to be themselves, too.

🧩 What I Wish I Knew Sooner

I used to think boundaries were for “difficult” people. The bold ones. The ones who didn’t mind being seen as rude. But now I know that boundaries are actually a form of protection—and proactive parenting.

Because what’s the alternative? Raising kids who confuse people-pleasing with kindness? Who don’t know the difference between comfort and compliance?

According to a 2023 article in Verywell Mind, boundaries are “a way to communicate our needs and values to others. Without them, we risk becoming emotionally exhausted and disconnected from our authentic selves.” That checks out.

Nah. That stops here.

❤️ Final Word from Your Favorite Anxious African Mom

In our collectivist culture, it’s easy to see boundaries as selfish. But I see them now as sacred.
And I’m raising my kids to see them that way too.

So while I still have work to do (shoutout to my therapist for being patient), I’m proud that in our home, we say:

“You are allowed to say no.”
“You are allowed to ask for space.”
“You don’t have to earn love with self-abandonment.”

We’re building something different.
Something honest.
One boundary at a time.

 

📚 References

 

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