Why We Need Boundaries as Africans

 Growing up, I was the youngest of five and the age gap between me and everyone else is fairly wide.  I have always been a brutally honest person that has over the years, learned to keep *most* of my initial thoughts and opinions to myself.  But young Amie…she was a savage.  I am at my core an analyst (INTJ-A) and believe I always have been.  So if the maths aint mathing, then imma probably say something if it directly involves me. This didn’t usually cause problems with my parents because r get sense small. BUT it most certainly led to a lifetime of Amie “fitiyai me” or disrespected me with my siblings.  It always used to confuse me because I would see siblings close in age have disagreements and respect never entered the chat there. Our culture is heavy on the blind respect based solely on age but this never, ever, sat well with my soul.  I’m a firm believer that your actions and behaviors earn you my respect.  Otherwise, na tok no mo u dey tok. #ToknDo round here ok! So this conditioned me to think that because of age…I should bury my “boundaries” or  things that I inherently just don’t like to keep the peace. Awesome.  

Obviously, I grew to be more and more comfortable with it as I got older because ow for do? Honestly, there is so much beauty in the many cultures that exist in Africa and we wouldn’t be able to hold onto a lot of them if our parents got to America and completely turned into different people. Mende culture is especially sweet, vibrant, and heavily family oriented. A true collectivism culture from top to bottom; from eating in one plate/pot together to all the meetings and organized community based activities. There’s simply no space for you alone to do many things on your own.  And that’s the beauty in coming from a culture like that.  You never walk alone. Unless of course, you decide to stray away from cultural norms and want to do things your own way. Then, get ready for wahala and palava to ensue.  

According to verywellmind.com, “collectivism stresses the importance of the community, while individualism is focused on the rights and concerns of each person. Where unity and selflessness or altruism are valued traits in collectivist cultures, independence and personal identity are promoted in individualistic cultures.” This sums up the internal battle that I have long since felt over the years.  I’ve grown up in America all my life where the society is very “me” focused but inside the home I grew up in, everything was about “us.”  Examples of what this might have looked like in childhood are things like not being able to tell elders that you don’t actually like the way they talk to you (see African aunties telling you you’ve gotten fat) or that you’d like space from someone because the energy they are giving you isn’t good for your happiness.  In adulthood, this often looks like kids not being able to do major life events how they want to because norto u wan get dis event. So in most cases, people at this stage start to exercise boundaries by vocalizing what they want and don’t want.  But this can oftentimes lead to family squabbles and petty conflicts because it’s giving individualism and not collectivism and we’re not comfortable with that.  

Fast forward to now, I’ve realized since becoming a mother that 1) I actually NEED boundaries and 2) I literally don’t have the tools in my toolbox to set said boundaries.  This dilemma is something that has been causing me to think a lot.  What I’ve landed on is that boundaries aren’t just something you wake up and know how to do.  They are something you practice enforcing over time. When I share scenarios with my therapist and she provides guidance, I find myself often saying “oooo well I caint say that.” Because why??? Because I don’t want them to say “Amie fitiyai me” or she disrespected me!  This usually leads to me holding things in until I reach my breaking point because we are human beings and we all have that point.  It also leads to people not getting the full benefit of knowing our truly amazing personalities! Because at that point I’m a version of myself that has been designed to fit into the collective and not the individual this society that we live in needs me to be. 

According to verywellmind.com, “collectivism stresses the importance of the community, while individualism is focused on the rights and concerns of each person. Where unity and selflessness or altruism are valued traits in collectivist cultures, independence and personal identity are promoted in individualistic cultures.”

What this cycle has taught me is that we as a culture have to let go of the idea that respect = no boundaries. Or that prioritizing you means that you are rejecting your culture.  Although I’m not amazing at boundaries, there are a few key takeaways for me as I work to get stronger at the practice. 

Takeaways

1. Everyone needs boundaries– Even kids. Given that boundaries need to be practiced, I’m trying to help my girls learn this skill now. They’re still young, but when one of them doesn’t want to play I talk to the other so they can be patient with their sister.   

2. There’s different types of boundaries– According to psychcentral.com, boundaries usually fall into one of the below categories:
   • emotional (protecting our own emotional well-being)
     • I struggle the most with this one.
   • physical (protecting our physical space)
   • sexual (protecting our needs and safety sexually)
   • workplace (protecting our ability to do our work without interference or drama)
   • material (protecting our personal belongings)
   • time (protecting the use, and misuse, of our time)
     • This one is also a struggle
3. There will be people that don’t respect your boundaries– This one speaks for itself. There will always be people like this and it’s going to be stressful and annoying. Just remember that boundaries are good and you need them.
4. It’s ok to feel uncomfortable setting boundaries, just keep trying– As you go throughout scenarios that require you to set and enforce boundaries, you might find yourself being uncomfortable. I’m giving myself extra encouragement and grace to continue working through the discomfort and I’m confident that one day, I’ll get the hang of it.