12 Years Without My Mom: The Wisdom She Left Behind
Twelve years ago today, my world changed forever. I was 23 years old—still sheltered, still figuring life out—when my mom passed away right in front of me. It was the kind of heartbreak you never fully prepare for, no matter how old you are. My mother was my best friend, my safe place, and my constant source of advice.
She didn’t teach me how to live without her (how could she?), but what she did give me was an endless well of wisdom—life lessons wrapped in everyday conversations that I didn’t always understand at the time. Over the last 12 years, those gems have sustained me, shaped me as a woman, a wife, a mom, and reminded me that even in her absence, her voice still guides me.
Today, I want to celebrate her by sharing three of her greatest lessons—ones I still lean on daily.
1. Start How You Want to Finish
When I started dating my now-husband in college, I loved cooking for him. Picture me in my little dorm kitchen hauling bags of food from home and whipping up full meals. One day, my mom looked at me and said, “Don’t start something you can’t finish.”
She explained how, back in Sierra Leone in the 70s, she cooked for my dad every single day because that’s just how life was set up then. But when they came to America, the expectation didn’t magically disappear—even though the lifestyle was completely different.
As a child, I loved having fresh food every night (who wouldn’t?), but as a working mom now, I think, ain’t no way. I love cooking, but the reality is—I can’t cook every single day while also working full-time, raising three kids, and running my businesses. Thanks to her advice, I learned early on not to set myself up for unsustainable expectations in marriage. That wisdom has saved me countless times.
2. Find Someone Who Will Help You Push Your Wagon
This gem was delivered in the most hilarious way. My mom told me one day: “Find someone that will help you push your wagon.” As a teen, I laughed at the imagery and didn’t take her too seriously. But now? Whew.
In friendships, in marriage, in business—you need people who are helping you move forward, not people who add weight to your wagon or worse, light it on fire. Life is already heavy. Choose partners and friends who will help you push toward your goals, not hold you back.
That lesson has completely reframed how I evaluate the people around me. It’s the filter I use for my relationships, and it’s one of the reasons I’ve been able to sustain myself without her physically here.
3. You Can’t Pay the Bills with “Fine Face”
And then there were her comedic life lessons. My mom never missed a chance to make me laugh while keeping it real. One of her favorites: “You can’t pay the bills with fine face.” Closely followed by, “Love doesn’t pay the bills either.”
She usually said this while talking about my dad, who was very handsome (based on unsolicited community reviews 😂). She wanted me to know that looks and infatuation won’t feed you or build a future. Her point was simple: don’t let superficial attraction blind you from seeing someone’s character, work ethic, and values.
Looks fade. Life happens. What sustains you is how someone shows up for you, how they treat you, and yes—whether they’re willing to push your wagon too.
Carrying Her Wisdom Forward
For 12 years, I’ve carried these lessons with me. I share them with friends, with my children, with anyone who needs them—even people who never had the chance to meet her. Because though my mom is gone, her wisdom lives on through me.
I pray that wherever she and my dad are, God continues to give them peace and good road. I hope they’re proud of the woman, wife, and mother I’ve become. And most of all, I’m grateful that even in grief, I’ve been able to turn her advice into my compass.
If you’re reading this and grieving a parent too, I pray her words bring you the same comfort they’ve brought me. May you find strength in the wisdom your loved one left behind, and may their voice echo in your heart the way my mother’s still does in mine.
