Parenting Tween Girls: 8 Things Helping Me Right Now

Parenting tween girls is one of those seasons nobody really prepares you for. Somewhere between needing me to cut up her food and having very specific opinions about how I should live my life, my oldest daughter became a tween.

She’s nine.

Going on nineteen.

And I would like to speak to a manager.

We are officially entering a new parenting era over here — one filled with stronger opinions, bigger emotions, increased independence, changing bodies, skincare requests, perfume preferences and the occasional smell that makes you pause and think:

Oh.

So we’re doing deodorant now.

And listen, I am not presenting myself as some sort of tween parenting expert. What qualifies me to write this post is simply that I currently live with a nine-year-old girl who has thoughts, feelings, recommendations and rebuttals.

Many rebuttals.

But this stage has actually been really fun.

There is something incredible about watching your daughter turn into an actual person with actual opinions. Her humor is sharper. Her interests are becoming more specific. We can have real conversations now. I get glimpses of the teenager and eventually the woman she will become.

It’s beautiful.

It’s also humbling because parenting a tween girl is making me realize that some of the things that worked when she was six simply aren’t going to work anymore.

So, as we enter this tween-ish season together, here are nine things that have been helping us survive the era of opinions, emotions and body odor with our connection still intact.

1. I’ve Stopped Treating Every Opinion Like a Challenge to My Authority

Whew.

This one.

Because apparently my child has discovered that she is a separate person from me.

Rude.

She has preferences now about clothes, activities, hairstyles, food, what is embarrassing, what isn’t embarrassing, what music should be playing in the car and approximately 847 other things.

And I’ve been learning to ask myself:

Does she actually need to obey me here, or do I just want her to agree with me?

Those are not always the same thing.

Obviously there are things that are non-negotiable because I’m still the parent. Safety. School. Respect. Family responsibilities.

But if she wants to wear something I wouldn’t have picked? Okay.

If she doesn’t like the activity I thought she’d love? Okay.

If she thinks my suggestion is deeply uncool? First of all, offensive. But also…okay.

2. I’m Giving the Emotions Somewhere to GO

The feelings at this age are starting to feel bigger.

Sometimes she wants to talk. Sometimes she absolutely does not want to talk. Sometimes she doesn’t even know what she’s feeling yet.

That is where journals have become surprisingly helpful in our house.

Her favorite is the Big Life Journal, which gives her prompts around things like growth, goals and confidence. It’s structured enough that she doesn’t have to stare at a blank page wondering what to write, but still gives her space to make it hers.

I’ve also found the Happy Confident Me: Life Skills Journal, which includes activities focused on confidence, resilience, mindfulness and everyday life skills.

What I like most about journaling at this age isn’t that I expect her to become a tiny philosopher.

It’s that I’m starting to understand she needs places to process her thoughts that don’t always involve me.

And I think that’s healthy.

3. We’re Talking About Hygiene BEFORE It Becomes Shame

Can we normalize this?

Tween girls can be adorable, smart, hilarious little rays of sunshine…

…and also smell like they’ve been doing manual labor in 94-degree heat.

The body odor era really sneaks up on you.

One day everybody smells like baby lotion and innocence. The next day you’re in the car like:

WHO IS THAT?!

My mom used to always say, “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t tell you the truth.”

And I have caught myself saying that exact thing to my girls now that body odor has entered the chat.

Because here’s how I see it — I would rather be the voice that tells them at home. With love. In private. Before some mean kid at school announces it for them in front of everybody.

I imagine that would hurt. I imagine that would stick with them for a long time. And it would be way more embarrassing than their mom casually saying hey, it’s deodorant time.

So we’ve started talking more openly about showering well, changing clothes, washing the sweaty places, moisturizing, using deodorant and generally taking care of your body because your body is changing.

Not because you’re “dirty.” Not because you should be embarrassed. Just because this is part of growing up and somebody who loves you should be the first one to say something.

I’ve been loving this aluminum-free deodorant for the girls because it gives them an easy body-care step they can start owning themselves.

It’s less: “OMG you stink.”

And more: “Hey babe, time for deodorant.”

My mom was right. Love tells the truth. It just doesn’t have to be loud about it.

4. I’m Letting Her Have a “Skincare Routine” Without Giving a Nine-Year-Old a Sephora Chemical Peel

If you have a tween girl right now, you already know.

SKINCARE.

They have been influenced.

Suddenly children who once had to be reminded to wash toothpaste off their mouths would like serums.

Absolutely not.

But I’ve realized I don’t necessarily need to fight the ritual just because I don’t want her using a bunch of unnecessary products.

So we found a middle ground.

She gets her little skincare moment, and I get the peace of knowing she isn’t layering seven actives onto elementary-school skin.

We love this gentle moisturizer because it lets her have a product that feels like it is hers without turning skincare into something complicated.

And honestly? I kind of love that we’re teaching the girls early that caring for your skin can just mean: Wash your face. Moisturize it. Go live your life.

We do not need a 14-step routine right now.

5. I’m Saying Yes to Some of the Harmless “Big Girl” Things

Perfume has also entered the chat.

Both of my girls LOVE these body sprays.

Do they need perfume? Of course not.

Do they feel extremely sophisticated spraying themselves before we leave the house? Absolutely.

And this is where I’m learning that not every sign of growing up needs to make me clutch my pearls.

Some things are just fun. A body spray. Lip gloss. Picking out her own outfit. Having a little skincare routine. Decorating her room differently. Developing her own aesthetic.

6. I’m Learning That Connection Looks Different Now

When kids are little, connection is often very physical and very obvious.

“Mommy! Look!”

“Mommy! Watch!”

“Mommy! Come play!”

As they get older, I think connection starts requiring a little more finesse.

My daughter might not always sit down and announce: “Mother, I would now like to discuss the complicated social dynamics of fourth grade.”

But she’ll tell me something random in the car. Or while I’m doing her hair. Or right before bedtime when I thought I was finally free.

And I’ve started realizing those little openings matter.

Sometimes the conversation that sounds insignificant is actually the doorway to the important thing.

7. I’m Personalizing Learning Around What She’s Actually Interested In

One of my favorite things we’ve added this year actually started as a summer experiment.

I created a Bridge Learning Studio skill in Claude that I used throughout the summer to generate weekly learning packets for both of my kids.

Instead of generic worksheets, I could create reading comprehension passages, math problems, writing activities and other practice based on their grade level and their actual interests.

And my nine-year-old has given me some very clear product feedback. 😂

The winners? K-Pop Demon Hunters reading comprehension stories. Art-themed stories. Math problems connected to things she actually cares about.

She LOVES them.

Which honestly just proved to me again that supporting our kids academically doesn’t always have to mean recreating school at the kitchen table. Sometimes the skill you’re trying to strengthen is the same. You just need a better wrapper.

I’ve continued using Bridge Learning Studio now that the school year has started whenever one of my kids needs additional practice or I want to reinforce something they’re learning.

And having my actual children tell me the packets are fun? Kid tested. Kid approved. I’ll take it.

8. I’m Making Space for Privacy Without Disappearing

This one feels especially important as we move toward the teenage years.

I don’t think closeness with our daughters should require them to tell us everything.

I want her to have a journal. I want her to have thoughts she works through herself. I want her to have friendships that exist outside of me. I want her to have a bedroom that increasingly feels like her space.

And at the same time, I want her to know:

You never have to figure the big stuff out alone.

I think that’s the balance I’m trying to build right now.

Not surveillance. Not complete hands-off independence. A bridge.

Enough freedom to practice becoming her own person, with enough connection that coming back to me still feels safe.

9. I’m Reminding Myself That the Attitude Isn’t the Whole Child

Nine-year-olds can deliver a sentence with a tone that will make you briefly understand why some of our parents believed children should not speak. 😂

The eye roll. The sigh. The “I KNOW.”

Babes, Na Me Born You.

But I’m trying to separate the behavior in front of me from the story I could easily tell myself about it.

She’s not suddenly a bad kid because she’s testing her independence. I’m not failing because we have conflict. Our relationship isn’t broken because she gets mad at me.

And gentle-ish parenting doesn’t mean I have to accept disrespect either.

We can address how something was said without shutting down what she was trying to say.

A Note to the Mom in Her Parenting Tween Girls Era

If you are in the middle of parenting a tween girl and some days it feels like you’re doing it all wrong — I see you.

If she just rolled her eyes at you and you’re standing in the kitchen wondering what happened to your sweet baby — I see you.

If you’re trying to hold boundaries AND hold connection AND hold your composure all at the same time — I see you.

This season is a lot. But it’s also kind of beautiful when you step back and look at what’s actually happening. She’s becoming more of who she’s always been. Your job isn’t to stop that. Your job is to stay close enough that she still wants you around when it matters.

She’s still your baby. She’s just your baby with deodorant now. And apparently…a skincare routine.

Some of the links in this post are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you purchase through them at no additional cost to you. I only share products we actually use, love or genuinely recommend.